Thursday, November 2, 2017

Hello again

Hi there!  It's been a while.  Blogging again has been on my mind pretty heavily lately.  I finally had some time the other day to sit down and start with logging into my account.  That's when I realized that it has been almost a year and a half since my last post.  A year and a half!  I was shocked, you guys.  My last post was Mother's Day, 2016.  I don't know if I was pregnant with Callie yet or not but needless to say, my energy level and time for things like blogging quickly decreased shortly thereafter.  I thought about how much has happened since that Mother's Day.  It seems that life has flown by in just a short year and a half.  We have moved, vacationed, built a house, got pregnant (by surprise!) and welcomed a sweet baby girl into our family.  I guess that's when life really began to move at the speed of a blur.

This past year has been quite the challenge for me.  Adding a third baby to our family has been one big overwhelming blessing to put it simply.  I had Callie in January when the boys were still in school and life wasn't so hectic.  Once we were home from the hospital and officially a family of 5, it didn't take me long to determine that newborns were EASY compared to toddlers.  I would take the boys to school, come home, and lay on the couch snuggling a sweet and sleepy little baby.  Pure bliss!  But then the boys would come home from school and it was utter chaos.  I didn't necessarily mind it, because we had a nice balance of quiet and chaos going at the time.  Fast forward to summer break and it was flat out BRUTAL.  This summer rocked me.  We were stuck at home most days because taking all of 3 of them out was exhausting and hard to manage in between alternating nap schedules.  Cabin fever quickly set in and after listening to whining, screaming, fighting, crying, and everything else that comes along with toddler demands, it became difficult to really enjoy summer break as a stay at home mom.  It was like this dark cloud constantly overhead and everyday was nothing short of a countdown-to-bedtime mission.  I eventually found myself going through my usual postpartum phase of losing myself and then later finding myself again but more specifically, the delicate transition in between is what I have been struggling with over the past few months.

I think that most moms go through this weird transition at some point in motherhood, often times without even realizing it.  I know that with myself, it usually takes some time before I am aware that I am in it again.  Lately I have been struggling to find a balance between being a mother and giving my children the time and attention that they deserve, and finding enough time to meet my own needs.  With 3 little ones that rely on me all day every day, it's mentally and physically exhausting and usually leaves me with very little time to recharge.  For the most part, I've alway been ok with that but more recently, I have felt this huge void that I simply can't ignore.  I just felt like I needed something, anything, for me.  I found myself trying to fill this void with various things when in reality it just left me even more depleted and burnt out than before.  There I was, exhausting myself, trying to be a good wife, care for my kids, workout, look put-together, build a business, have time for myself, when eventually I decided that something had to give.  In fact, all of it had to go.  That marked the beginning of this breakthrough moment for me where I decided that what I needed was to focus only on what was most important to me, my family.  I poured everything I had into Loyal and the kids.  I didn't worry about having anything left for me even though that was what the issue seemed to be.  I cut out every distraction, stopped working out, went to bed early when Loyal did, and really just did everything I could to make everyone else happy and you know what, by doing that I felt more fulfilled then when I was actually trying to do things for myself.  I began to realize how much happier I was.  I didn't see that I was spreading myself too thin, which I never seem to do until after the fact.  Funny how that works!  I have learned that when life is hectic, trying to keep up with all-of-the-things sometimes just isn't worth it.  

Once I got back to the basics of my happiness, I felt the urge to finish this postpartum cycle and figure out (again) who I am and essentially determine who I want to be as a woman, wife and mother.  This has been a long yet fulfilling journey and one that I am actually very proud to overcome.  There were dark days and ones that shined bright, lots of tears, prayers, and revelations along the way.  Through this process of self healing, I read that one of the best things you can do to heal yourself is to write.  So today, I sat down and did just that.  I opened up and poured it out and it felt great.  Empowering, if you will! I feel like getting all of this out and into the cyber world was therapeutic in a way and ultimately gave me a blank canvas to start over.  That's what led me to blogging again.  I have been thinking about it for a while now and have desperately wanted to find the time to have that in my life again.  It doesn't matter how little time I have, my body craves creative expression and it feels really good to have an outlet to do that.  So this is it!  I may not post often and no one may even read them, but I am going to try my best!  So anyway, if you have made it this far, thank you for reading along while I unleash my inner struggles about the darker side of motherhood that is so often unrevealed.  

And now back to the highlight reel of life that is deemed "perfect" here on social media. :)

1 comment

  1. You are truly a beautiful woman and transparent with every woman's struggle.

    I'm delighted to hear you found comfort in knowing the place every woman longs to be.

    I don't want to put a God spin on this but it is the only way to set the stage straight on what is and what will always be.

    God designed a woman to 1st be a wife and second to be a nurturing mother. From biblical facts in Proverbs 31 this is what a true woman is and will always be. The society we in had changed the first principles ever created. Manipulating our very purpose to be more, want more and strive for more when to feel.comolete and satisfied. The only satisfaction is finding out we were and always was created to be a wife, a mother and a home maker.

    I encourage every woman to take a moment and read Proverbs 31. Then step back and look at your life or you for filling who God created you to be since the foundation of the earth was laid.

    Remeber when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing. Are you still the good thing he said I DO to. If it seems things are out of balance maybe it's time you find, just as Nicole has found, being a good wife and mother is where you find your wholeness as a woman.

    With much love Nicole and many blessings....

    Becki Muscarello


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