Monday, June 2, 2014

Bittersweet

Yesterday we woke up like a normal day.  Loyal went upstairs and got little Loyal.  He brought him down and put him in the bed beside me just like we do every morning.  We played for a little bit until it was time.  I said, "milks?"  He started the normal bouncing up and down with excitement.  I think that mornings milks are something we both look forward to.  This particular morning though, was a little somber for me as I nursed him for the very last time.  I had been planning on stopping for a while now and since we had weaned down to one nursing a day, it was time to let that last one go.  As we laid there together, so many memories flooded through my mind.  Nursing him for the very first time in the hospital and that incredible bonding that happened so fast and grew even more each day.  I am lucky to be able to say that breastfeeding was an amazing experience for us, probably one of the best in my life so far.  For that, I have really been dreading this day but dreading the days without it even more.
  
We woke up today with a new routine.  I mentioned to Loyal that I might nurse him today and put it off one more day.  As ready as I am for a break, it's so hard to let go.  I expected to be sad today, which I still am.  I knew this would be much harder for me than it would be for Loyal.  The weaning process came very natural for us and through that I could tell that he wasn't attached to it.  If I didn't bring it up, he never noticed.  In return though, I felt myself getting more and more attached.  So I knew today was going to be a tough one.  Things then took a turn for the unexpected when one of our pups got sick first thing this morning, right after Loyal brought little Lo downstairs.  We didn't play in the bed like normal and instead I was cleaning up a big mess and caring for Max.  Everything just went so fast.  Loyal had to leave for work and just like that, Lo went to the playroom and there was the start of our new routine.  No one even missed a beat.  I guess this ended up working out for the best.  I stuck with the original plan and didn't have a second to spare for sadness.  Once things settled down and morning was gone was when it really set in and at the moment I am feeling a little lost without it.  I do have to admit that this post started out with a big lump in my throat!  I know I will probably be fine by tomorrow but man does today suck!

In the end, it's bittersweet.  My body needs a break before the new baby comes.  I know I will breastfeed again, which makes this a little easier.  I just won't breastfeed Lo again and that breaks my heart just a little bit.  I will hold this amazing experience and incredible memories so close to my heart.  I will never forget that first time he pulled off and looked me straight in the eyes and said "mama" with the biggest and most innocent smile.  I think what I will miss the most are those early days when he would fall fast asleep in my lap and I would hold him for hours, just me and him.

    
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