Wednesday, November 21, 2012

august 30, 2012

here we are on thanksgiving day.  i have been thinking all week about how different this thanksgiving is.  i am thankful for so many things: the obvious being family, friends, good health and so on.  but what i am truly thankful for, more than anything, is the blessing in my belly.  i have decided to share something so very personal to me.  our pregnancy journey.  many people don't know this but loyal and i were trying to get pregnant for a little over a year.  we started out just "winging it" and after a couple of months of nothing we decided to dive in a little deeper.  that led to numerous apps on my phone, a precise schedule, etc, etc.  at the time, loyal was in dallas and i was in atlanta.  every month i would strategically plan my trips around ovulation time, according to my apps.  still wasn't working.  i stumbled upon the idea of tracking your bbt (basil body temperature).  now this was super confusing and still is.  apparently, your body temperature rises right before ovulation.  after a few months of tracking my temperature every single morning, i realized that i ovulate earlier than normal.  without going into to much detail, you are supposed to ovulate about 2 weeks after the day you start your period and you are fertile about 4 days before that.  well, i was ovulating before those 4 days even started and in my case, before i even left for texas.  talk about a blow to the stomach when i figured that out.  so many months that seemed like wasted time.  together, we decided to consult with a doctor just to talk about options.  come to find out, just the tests to see if there is a problem runs for about $3,000.  we just couldn't bring ourselves to spending the money just to hear "everything looks fine, keep on trying!"  at this point, something had to give.  i ended up getting so involved in trying to get pregnant that i felt crazy.  i wasn't happy for people that were pregnant.  i cried every time i found out someone else got pregnant.  this was no way to be.  i realized that this would never happen for me if i couldn't learn to be happy for other people, because who knows what they went through.  i deleted all of my apps, decided to stop caring and get my priorities straightened out.  i also decided to see a phychic.  i've tried everything else at this point so what the hell?  it was march of this year and to sum up what she said: everything was fine, don't see a doctor, it will happen when the time is right and that time would be closer to the end of the year, before october and when i least expected it.  so, i figured that i would give that a try and if i wasn't pregnant by january, looks like we would be spending the 3 grand after all.  much to my surprise, she was exactly right.  just as she said, it happened to be the month that i least expected it.  so from here i figured the best way to tell the rest of the story is to share a piece of the journal that i started the day i found out i was pregnant:

I have learned my lesson far too many times to read into anything.  I have taken so many pregnancy tests, month after month, and nothing.  So here we are, another month and another week of waiting for another period.  At this point I have set rules for myself: don’t think about it, don’t read into it and whatever you do, DO NOT take a test.  That became my golden rule.  I would not take a test until I was a full week late, 7 complete days.  Too many times I was fooled by a period that was 2 days late, 3 days late and sometimes even 5.  That was one emotional roller coaster I refused to ride again.
August 30, 2012:
     Today my period is 5 days late.  No sign of it but yet again, that means nothing.  Not yet.  Saturday will be a complete week so that’s what we are waiting for.  Right?  Not so much.  Loyal says to me right out of nowhere “are you pregnant, or what?”  What other answer would I give him other than the routine response?  ”I don’t know babe, we’ll see.”  He went back to work and I went to pick up some groceries...and a pregnancy test.  I have no idea why I went back on my word, but I did.  I stood there in the aisle, holding the box, just thinking.  Rationalizing and trying to convince myself not to buy them.  Or should I buy them?  Oh what the hell, there’s a free one in the pack of two so I might as well waste the free one this month.  I’ll eventually need the other two.  So that was that, I bought them.
     I get home and of course, go straight to the bathroom without even putting the refrigerated items in the fridge.  That’s right, back on the roller coaster I go.  I take the test, leave it on the counter and put the groceries away.  3 minutes goes by, maybe even 2½ because I’m obviously impatient.  I look at the test and I see something I have never seen before, a positive pregnancy test.  My mouth drops, my eyes grow wide and I pick that thing up for a closer look.  I could not believe it.  I was in absolute shock.  I thought I would have been jumping up and down but I definitely wasn’t.  The tears welled up, the sobs came and I couldn’t do anything but stare at the test and cry.  I sat down, right on the floor and just cried.  I cried so hard, tears of joy, happiness, relief and shock.  This was the month I least expected this. 

i'm sure some people remember when i posted this picture.  i took it right after i finally stopped crying, you can see that my eyes were already puffy.  sweet maxer bear was so worried when he saw his mommy crying.  he's so cute.
So I’m pregnant, now what?  I guess I need to tell Loyal.  I know better than to invite him on the emotional roller coaster that I insist on riding every month.  He didn’t even know I was taking a test.  I felt nervous and giddy and a little weird being that it didn’t seem real.  Nevertheless, off to Hobby Lobby I went.  I knew just the perfect way to tell him.  That night, when we got home from work we followed our usual routine of feeding the dogs, taking them out and discussing the day.  I was having the hardest time trying not to smile ear to ear like I wanted to.  All I could think to myself was to not say too much or I’ll give it away for sure.  After we finished doggie duties I told him to sit on the floor because I had something for him. 
inside the box was a note and 3 frames
Note 2 yes 2 i do 2 three 2
There it was: the final picture, our future.  As we sat face to face, I wasn’t sure of the response I was going to get.  I guess I expected the same reaction out of him that I expected out of myself, jumping up and down, but what I got instead was the exact reaction I experienced myself.  He just sat there.  He sat there for a long time, just starring at the picture.  Finally, he asked “are you sure?”  Yes.  I explained to him that I was positive that I was pregnant but then again, I had only taken one test.  We agreed I would take another one first thing in the morning since that is the best time.  So what do I do?  Go straight to the bathroom and take another test.  Positive.  I show him and we repeat the same process, just starring at it.  The next morning he woke me up before he left for work, which I didn’t realize would be at 5:30am, and we took yet another test just to be triple sure.  Positive.  That was that, I was definitely pregnant.

i usually don't post such long and very personal posts.  not only did i want to express how happy and very thankful i am to be pregnant, but i also wanted to share my story to hopefully help someone along the way.  no one ever told me that maybe i ovulate at a different time than normal but everyone is different and anything is possible.  so with that being said, keep trying, keep your head up and explore all options. 
Happy Thanksgiving

1 comment

  1. Okay. I'm gonna be the first to comment here. This blog post was an emotional roller coaster, I could only imagine living it! ;) This is such a great story and I am so incredibly happy for the both of you! You'll be great parents! :) LOVE!


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